If you are in love with someone who dies and their partner knows you were in love with them what do you do?

If you were in love with someone else's partner and had had no sexual relationship with them and had cut off the friendship when the 'love' became too difficult (ie freindship wouldn't work so you go your separate ways)



The partner knows that you were in love (unrequited) with his deceased lover .... is it appropriate to go to the funeral and maybe throw flowers on the coffin or in the grave or is it inappropriate?



Let's say the deceased knew and the surviving lover knew that I was in love with them, although noting had happened?
If you are in love with someone who dies and their partner knows you were in love with them what do you do?
Since the surviving spouse/partner KNOWS that you were in love with the deceased, no you shouldn't go to the funeral because that would be very rude and "in your face" to the surviving spouse/partner and would only upset them at a time when that's the last thing they need.



At a time like this you MUST put consideration for the surviving spouse/partner ahead of your own wants.



Go to visit the grave later when the surviving partner isn't there, bring flowers or whatever, but don't put your name on them or they might get ripped up or thrown out by either the surviving partner or their friends.
Reply:Assuming that all the surviving partners who knew were not jealous, then YES, go say goodbye. The deceased's partner, if he has a heart and never saw you as a rival, will know your grief is real and true, just as his is, will understand your grief, will also know there is at least one other person there who feels just as he does, etc.



If the widower was jealous, then it'd be more prudent to not disrupt the funeral or bring any more negative feelings to the widower, just make a point of visiting the grave privately.
Reply:you sound like you feel very guilty, and you should be since it sounds like you almost let your feelings get out of hand when that person was living. See the problem is all within you. Not only is it all resolved now that the person is gone but the past is too, and the problem is still stuck within you alone.



The "family" only goes to the funeral and gravesite. You are neither so you should not go. No, definitely don't throw any flowers. Your plans and thoughts are inappropriate. Do not go to the cemetery ever. It's all in your mind. If your grief is overwhelming then quietly see a therapist to get over it.
Reply:If you go to the the actual funeral you might upset the spouse. I would go after the funeral and just visit alone and just take some flowers. On the day of the funeral, just say a little prayer, but go afterwards that way you don't cause additional grief. Remember, nobody has to see you mourn and it can be a more intimate thing for you. Good luck--
Reply:I feel for your situation. I was not in the position you are. My situation was I had sold up and moved to be with a partner who died two months later. He was still, technically, married. I decided to let his "widow" have her place but I did attend the funeral. He wanted me there.....but it was difficult. I wanted to do more than I could.

You have to do what feels right.
Reply:I would go to the service.. stay away from the crow.d. and go home directly after.. the service is public... Come back later out of respect for their partner and relatives and put some flowers down when nobody else is there...and remember. To remember someone one once loved one can do that anywhere.. I would only need to go once to say goodbye and keep the good memories but I would not want to shame the family and approach them.. I would attend the church service but sit way back from the rest and also not stay to offer condolences it would be a tough memory for them.. so I would spare them that.. just put flowers down when everyone else is gone.. a wreath or flowers with no message.. the person who passed on would know they are from me... that's all that matters ...xxxx
Reply:The love you speak of is universal, You loved them remember that is so very pure, nothing had to happen because all the good things were there! My question would be why leave out one another's life? I don't understand that at all. Support teach and correct one another. pass love on with examples this is what is so badly needed.



Now to answer your question - One should go to the Funeral pure and true to do what is natural to any human and animals whom has lost a dear friend and that my friend is "Mourn"!

Why not just love one another.
Reply:This is really difficult one, I wouldn't go to the funeral and I would let the partner grieve in peace, if you go you will only upset him more. I understand your feelings and I think you should go and place your flowers and say your goodbyes after everyone has left.