Poem/Monologue: Faded Flowers (please let me know what you think)?

This was written about an ex-friend who "loved" someone too much. It has some light mature content. If you are uncomfortable with that please stop reading. I think this is more of an audition monologue with a few poetic elements--so, think of it in that way instead of just as a poem. Let me know if you like it.



Faded Flowers



I really knew it was over when I found my bags packed,

and placed neatly on the doorstep. You were always

so considerate. I admired your attention to detail.

The way you would clean the sheets

after your afternoon romps with whomever.

If I were more like you I would have called first,

or at least knocked. Well, I just wanted you to know,

I appreciated you packing my bags between orgasms.



It’s pathetic but I still held out hope

that we’d get back together.

Yes, you said, “I hate you!” But,

it was how you said it. Confusion.

That’s what I heard in your voice.

You’d come around.



So, I waited

and watched

in a friend’s car across the street.

You were never alone, but you seemed

so lonely. Fragile. I wanted to hold you.



I know, I know, I got a little crazy

all right obsessive. What could I do?

You did this to me.

I began to see how you really were.

You didn’t deserve my love.



You may have noticed--you never noticed!

But I went to your funeral. I brought you flowers.

Stargazer lilies, the ones you like.

The minister was babbling on

Shadow of death

Not fearing evil.



I had nothing left to fear, you were dead.



He said, you were in a better place.

I find that hard to believe after

all the pain you caused me.



What was more troubling

was the thought that you might

come back in another life. I’d have

to go through this all over again.



So, I bowed my head in prayer to whatever God

would make you.



And quietly, very quietly, salted the earth.
Poem/Monologue: Faded Flowers (please let me know what you think)?
I really like it.



I can really appreciate it because it sounds like the kind of work that comes from experience. That kind of work deserves respect.



Really well put together. Coherent, relevant thoughts. Great transitions and word chioce. Profound meaning.



A++
Reply:Todd,

Once again you have written an excellent piece! It is beautiful! I do agree with you it is a poetic monologue! It is very sad and vivid!



-Mom Report It
Reply:*le sigh* Beautiful.
Reply:Wow that is a beautiful but haunting poem,It hits a nerve in my heart; very good writing...
Reply:It's very good. All the appropiate elements are there.



My only but is the fact that in some places, you were very vague for the reader, sort of drawing them a picture. But in other parts, you were very literal. You got straight to the point. This mixture was fine but I would watch that.



But over all, an A.



I also think it would be a lot more effective in present tense. Just try it and you'll see what I mean.
Reply:Generally speaking subjects like this are too narrow. Broader, more ephemeral subjects offer the opportunity to say something that's relevant to most people. This does not.

That said, there are a couple of very good lines in this piece but overall it seems forced to me.
Reply:Wow. That was deep. I've felt that way before too. Loving some one even more when there purposely hurting you. But for a while you think they you can change them. That your love will be enough to over power them. But in the end......

well not exactly a happy ending.....
PDA